When you have a crappy past filled with sadness and trauma, you can pretend the dents in your mind don’t exist but they do. You can pretend you have it all figured out, but then you attempt to achieve something and it’s like hitting a wall.
These are the times, I have learned, that you need to go not just slow, but lovingly, nurturingly and gently with yourself. I have learned that I am not just bringing contemporary self into this new place, but I am bringing the injured, crippled, saddened self with me. I know it’s ok to lose weight, but my inner injured piece of myself does not. I have to give her catch up time.
And now I weigh 205. And for some reason, it suddenly feels like its ok to weigh any number down to 190. I am betting that the weight steadily comes off now and that when I hit 190, there will be a stall.